For our final post of Mental Health Awareness Month, we reveal the answers our contributors and followers on Twitter provided us in answer to the question:
What advice would you give to a loved one supporting someone else with your illness?
Be a listener. As a listener, you are more interested in your loved one than their illness. Your first response when they tell you about their diagnosis is to ask them how they feel about it. Listeners aren’t passive: you prompt your loved one when they need encouragement, but let them be when they cannot say anymore. Listeners say more with their smiles, hugs and cups of tea than they do with pieces of advice, the latest internet statistics or inspirational quotes from Pinterest. Listeners don’t necessarily understand their loved one’s condition, have the right words to say, and like anyone else, they will say the wrong thing. However, this does not matter because being a listener does not make you a therapist, it makes you a good friend.
– Anonymous
Supporting someone with my illness is difficult, you cannot fix my mental illness any more than you can fix my asthma but you can be there. Talking, listening and comforting can be really helpful but so can being someone’s happy place. Making memories and distracting me from my pain is the most helpful thing you can do.
– Claire @mentalbattle
Respect the person’s wishes. It is very difficult to talk about what you are going through because 1) it is difficult to put it in words, 2) people judge you, 3) most people don’t understand. Be there for the person, listen to what they have to say. Try to understand what they’ve told you. Advice is not always necessary, but being there and listening is.
– Anonymous
I would tell a loved one to be patient. When you’re perfectly happy and able to attend social events, to mix with other people without feeling anxious, then it’s really very hard to understand why somebody else finds it so difficult. But to them it’s suddenly become the biggest thing in the world and you just need to be patient with them and let them do it in their own way. If they trust and love you then will just want you to be there for them. Oh, and don’t belittle them and their illness. I had a few well-meaning but misplaced comments from friends which stung a little. We are perfectly fine functioning human beings, but sometimes we get lost a little inside our own heads. The support from loved ones can make all the difference.
– Beth
If you are supporting a loved one with depression and or anxiety, I’d recommend that you try as best you can to remove expectations from the relationship. They are damaging to all parties and their application can spawn ugly byproducts of mistrust, self-loathing and deep-rooted resentment. Sometimes saying nice things like ‘I love you’ or ‘I’m here for you’ can be received poorly as this can make the sufferer redouble their anxiety about why, despite, all the kind sentiment, they still feel so low.
– Dan B
To those supporting a BPD sufferer, I would say learn about the condition and get support ASPA. Great supportive literature as well as blogs, vlogs and social media exist targeted to those supporting and helping those who are supporting someone with BPD. Expose yourself to these sources. Be supported and learn from experts and those going through the same thing. Know why your loved one is acting the way they are. Learn how to support us. And do not assume that knowing love is enough. The sad truth is BPD is a complex and misunderstood condition and it can be devastating on relationships. Yet it doesn’t have to be that way. Learning to live with BPD is the responsibility of both the sufferer and the supporter. And it is my firmly held belief that when approached from a place of compassion, understanding and knowledge the affects of BPD can be fought against!
– Chama
I would recommend that you read up on what they are going through and practice active listening to what they are telling you. Extend compassion without having to collude with their thoughts. Be a beacon of positive attitude. Find anything you can to help. Practical help such as helping with cooking or helping out with the house, or job applications. Any help such as inviting out for coffee, something fun and exciting, surprises, making the person feel loved and special and they are needed and wanted in the world. Hugs and kisses, a space to cry! Be present. Be patient if they are going on and on and on about the same things over and over again. You can do this by protecting yourself with your own boundaries, self-care means that sometimes you have to say “I can’t listen to this or I can’t help you in the moment but I will be back soon.” Make sure you take care of yourself and be present positively when you can, even if it’s not often. Practice non-judgement, reassure, affirm their positives, and offer practical solutions if you are able. ASK what kind of help the person would like or need, no two people are the same. Asking what the person would like or need is the most important. If they are not able to identify it or embarrassed to ask, certainly practical help is very useful. Whether its providing a link for an interesting article or going through a self esteem and confidence building exercise together. We all go through different things, and we don’t always have the time, patience or the know how to help. Offer to go places for help with them, accompany them. With communication, education and gaining tools in your toolbox, you can achieve anything and transform yourself and your relationship in the process. Take time out but don’t give up, because most likely they have already given up on themselves. These things take time so look after yourself in the process and keep yourself happy. There is nothing like learning from good example.
– Vyara
Don’t judge by appearances. One of the biggest problems with mental illness is that it causes our outward appearance to disconnect with what we are feeling inside. Very often, we hear of suicides where everyone says, “But she seemed so happy!” On the flip side, we might see a person with a frown and a slouch standing in a corner, and we judge that person to be negative, sinister and/or weird. This was my experience. But while people judged me for my appearance, truly I was a victim of pessimism that was not my own. My heart cried out for affection and companionship, but no one saw it. Instead, people looked at me with frowns, and regarded me with dismissive attitudes. Seeing my negativity mirrored on the faces of those around me further fed into my feelings that I was not worth a dime in the bucket. Perhaps this is what people call “stigma.”
The internet truly serves as a boon in this regard. For many years, I found people to be friendlier towards me online than in person. Most likely because they could not see me! But by strengthening my friendships online, seeing people in person eventually became a lot easier.
I encourage you to try and engage your suffering loved one in a variety of ways. Heart-to-hearts in person can be helpful, but can also be anxiety-inducing and intimidating, as it was for me. Try chatting on Facebook, or writing emails penpal style. Or maybe write a poem or draw a picture as a gift. Whatever gesture you choose… it should come from a place of caring.
And always remember to remain non-judgmental and open-minded. If a friend chooses to confide in you, do not try and give knee-jerk advice to fix his/her problems. That is like putting a band-aid on an amputated limb. As much as you care, you must admit to yourself that you do not know 100% what your loved one is going through. Truly, all you need to do is listen. Offer your undivided attention. You would be surprised how seldom we listen to one another. If you listen, you might be surprised: your friend might open you up in a way you might not expect.
Be open-minded and genuine. You might help open the mind of your loved one as well, which leads to healing for not just him/her, but for you as well.
– @recoverypati
What you’re doing is great and has potentially saved your friends life. Don’t forget the illness is just a tiny part of them.
– @ZoeDodd1
You can’t fix my #MentalIllness & my #Depression isn’t your fault. Be present, be supportive, and don’t judge. Also, supporters need to remember to take care of themselves! Don’t let my #MentalIllness become yours too.
– @BRCABrandi
We would like to thank all our contributors for their honest answers as well as our Twitter followers. This Mental Health Awareness Month, three live Q&A sessions were hosted on Twitter by @mentalbattle, @PNDandMe and @chama_kay using the hashtag #gmAsks. We want to thank Claire, Rosey and Chama so much for their time and their wonderful work for creating discussion and conversation surrounding various mental health issues. If you missed any of these, do catch up and join in with the hashtag on Twitter.
As ever, the Grey Matters team are looking for contributors. If you have experience, either directly or indirectly, of mental illness and would like to share something with us, please do get in touch. You can reach us at info@greymattersonline.co.uk.
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